motherfucker. really. still stuck. worse now that i am stuck in my own mind. i see steve tomororw, maybe ill be refered elsewhere for help.

yep. happened again and lost it again. not that i ever had it to start with i guess. but things will look up. just need to get a different job, then i wont ever see him again.

dashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i just noticed that i can't ever be alone. this isnt healthy. not healthy at all.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This keeps happening to me. I know it’s me now. Everything just clicks now. I know what I am really missing and not sure what to do about it. I am honestly on the verge of another nervous breakdown, but I am trying so hard to control this. At least contain it until the end of the semester. I wish I could change their minds. But I know it wouldn’t mean anything in the end anyway if I had to do that. I just don’t like who I am and I can’t do anything to hide that anymore without making it worse. Because I know I can’t go to that place again and survive.
I’m so fucking twisted.

mood at the moment: angry

trying to remain hopeful.

why do i always fall for the selfish guys?

i never wanted it to hurt more than tonight.

interesting.

things have not seem to change with him and i. it makes me nervous. and already starting to freak out. just hoping i don't do what i did with A. i wish i could trust people, or just talk to them about stuff. i need to learn how to open up, no matter how hard it is because it is honestly what is driving me crazy. cause i need to talk to him about some certain stuff and i just can't. i am not even sure i know what i want, but i just need to learn to talk about it otherwise i will never learn. damnit.

i miss my friends. i am glad i got full time at work but i never see anyone anymore. i know i don't have that many close friends, because well, i cant trust anyone, but i find myself missing them a lot more lately. i don't even trust my best friend all the way, and concetta has done nothing to me that would cause me not to trust her. i just want to be drunk and dance.

I think i got myself stuck again, only this time it is at work and not dealing with relationships or myself. i swear, i can't do anything right.

i just want to be my old self again, better or worse, at least then i had an idea of what was going on. now i just jump into things and make it worse, all the while very well knowing i will just regret it all.

i want to be able to open up. i don't understand why i can't. even with the most honest people that i trust i couldn't do it, when i very well needed to in order to save it. too late now. but you'd think i'd be able to learn from it. well i did learn but be able to actually do it. i fail. fail fail fail.......

been drinking more again lately. been so stressed out. it was either that or cut, figured it was better. i thought id grow out of this shit. guess old habits never break.

im beyond screwed